Can I Ax You A Queshun?
It’s 6 in the morning. Chinatown is partly cloudy amd 22 degrees when a man is stopped by someone about 10 feet away on the street asking, “can I ax you a qweshun?”
“Ummm…you just -asked- me one.”
“Man, shut up, You got 47 cent?”
“Don’t nobody carry 47 cent. Why don’t you just ask for a quarter or a dollar?”
“You got one?”
“No.”
“Man, shut the fuck up and gimme that wallet.”
“Hold on,” the man with the tell-tale white earbuds says into the air. ”Someones trying to give me shit.”
“Who the fuck you talkin to?!”
“My phone, you idiot. You don’t have to hold them anymore ya know.”
He goes back to the air, staring directly at his would-be assailant. “No, don’t dial 911, I got this.” He asks the ragged-looking inquisitor, “are you REALLY trying to rob someone not ONLY dressed like this…but on the 14th?!”
“14th? What? Man all I asked for is…”
“Yeah, yeah, 47 cents I don’t have and then my wallet. You’re not robbing anyone today. People in this town get paid on the 15th. Get it right. Look at a calendar and try again tomorrow.”
“Man gimme that fuckin wallet!!”
“What wallet?!! I don’t carry shit cuz of people like you!! Miss the part where I’m on the damn phone?”
The ear-budded man pauses for effect, never losing eye-contact and pulls out a cigarette. After lighting it, he continues to the robber and adds crazy to his eyes.
“Go home and re-think your strategy and I won’t have my friend here call the cops. How’s that? And maybe if you see me tomorrow I’ll buy you a coffee AND give you a cigarette. Now get the fuck out of my way and don’t follow.”
“Aight man aight, I ain’t want no trouble.”
“Riiight….”. He steps toward the robber.
“Crazy ass…”
“YES! Crazy ass on a PHONE. GET IT YET!?!!!” He starts further toward the robber, who runs off and rounds a corner.
The man puffs again on his cigarette and says to himself, “ooh i love this song.”