I didn’t think the economy would affect me nearly as much as it has.  What I wasn’t paying close attention to was the price of every day things.  I am the kind to swipe now, ask questions later.  Judiciously, mind you.  I’m not, nor will I ever be, the subject of Confessions of a Shopaholic.

Coffee is more expensive, now.  But it’s decent and free at the office.  Same with sodas and juices.  Decent selection and free at the office.  Bringing your lunch isn’t awesome…but its free and you get more time in the office not spending money outside the office.  After cooking dinner with friends a few times recently (all of which tasted greatly better than a restaurant) I’m inclined to start doing it more often.  Sign up. 

Sure money is one thing that causes anxiety when there is a lack of it.  Millions of Americans right now are justifying the existence of anti-anxiety drugs to cope with differing levels of severity in their financial woes.  I hope to be one of them soon for other reasons, though.  I tell ya what, I’ll welcome it at this point.  Besides money, my personality is wired to fritz out from time to time.  And in the past couple years you might have seen me mention that those walls are starting to crumble.  Those days are finally here.  I officially have less of an ability to filter out the bullshit.

I have days where I am ON and I can have the wherewithall to write a blog post and get work done…like today.  But most days in the past several months I have been utterly useless to myself, sleeping less, always thinking there is something wrong.  Tension headaches, my back goes out, my knees are bad.  I start to get this feeling people are out to get me sometimes even though I know it isn’t true.  I don’t work on my music.  I play tunes instead of spinning them.  I don’t finish anything I start.  It’s like I’m not here.

I go out less, see people I care about less, simply because the dragged-down feelings take over.  And I cannot kick myself out of it to smack myself in the face hard enough.  I get worked up about it sometimes to a point it’s difficult to breathe and my chest gets tight.  I get bitchy.  Mean.  I get nauseous either from eating too much or not having the desire to eat at all. Or from fear of something I can’t determine. These tendencies are classic symptoms of anxiety, depression, and good old paranoia.  And I cannot, cannot, cannot let it affect my job.  (Knock on wood.  So far I’ve kept it out of work.)

I always knew I was a bit imbalanced, but I hadn’t been sure why until recently.  I tried to pin it on something – my job, my life, last year’s medical experiences, something.  All those did were expose something that was already there – predisposition.  It’s certainly not Boo.  He’s probably the reason I’m still somewhat with it.

So I am taking control – new doctor.  Appointment next week.  Let’s see what happens.

The Prodigy is coming out with a new album!

Invaders Must Die will hit iTunes on February 24.

NOT SOON ENOUGH!!!

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