Tonight I lied. And it was wrong. But I’ll never be able to take it back, so….

As I sat waiting for a subway at Cleveland Park tonight, I was feeling quite relaxed. Could have been the dinner…or the drinks…or the prescribed (have to be clear on that) cyclobenzaprine. Regardless, I am the type to nod and smile politely if you walk past me and we make eye contact. Those of you already imagining this situation who know me…have a suspicion what happens next. Hello’s are, of course, exchanged. She starts.

“How are you?”
“Fine thanks.”

She sits down next to me at an acceptable distance. Her clothes are ragged, her hair thinning. She looks about 40. She has what Boodadday would call the crazy eyes.

“Did you eat dinner?”
“Yes, did.”
“You look like you could use a few meals.”
“I’ve been told that before.”

She pauses. I am staring at the wall, legs crossed. Relaxed. Why is someone trying to carry on with me right now? Really?

“I mean no insult to you, but you don’t sound like the person who opens himself to conversation.”
“I’ve also been told that before, regardless of its lacking in truth. But there is a time and place for everything.”
“Well if no one told you this today, I’m glad you’re here.
“Thank you.”
“What’s your name?”

This is where I lie.

“Michael.”
“What’s your last name?”
“Walters.”
“Michael Walters.”

She ponders over the name. Then she takes out her wallet. From it, she pulls out a 5 dollar bill.

“Maybe this will make you feel better,” she said holding the cash up to me.
“Oh no, thank you.”
“Are you sure?”
” Oh yes. I have a few of those in my bag. You never know when you’re gonna need that 5 dollar bill, you know.”
“True.”

I can’t make this shit up, people. As she continued to talk, the brown-eyed, balding, middle-aged, overweight, black woman with a child’s heart and mind never lost her tone. I couldn’t help but starting to feel bad about lying on my name. I was suddenly reminded that DC is not only full of pill popping yuppies, crystal queens and Canadian pharmacy enthusiasts… but also people like her – the likely homeless, God-fearing, mental children whose disorders have gone undiagnosed for so long that their personality is starting to slip away. And what are we doing for them outside of lying for convenience or institutionalizing them?

This hit me especially hard because I recently found out a relative of mine I’ve known for 15 years has Alzheimer’s disease. I shudder to think what would happen to her (or my bench-mate from tonight) if she got lost in the subway system in a state of false elation and oblivion. One would hope they meet a neutral party such as myself. I recently started taking Paxil for mood swings. It’s been an awesome change I wouldn’t trade in for the world. At least for now. It brought back the real me. Now that I know that me isn’t dead it will be more likely he stays around after I quit the stuff.

If you’re reading this that means you still check for posts. And I appreciate it. I promise to try writing more account like this one. Life is kicking my ass in so many ways, as George Michael says in ‘Precious Box’. I see more fucked up things around me lately and I can’t decide if it’s just an influx of bullshit or if it’s the first period where I let myself see it was always there. I’m empathetic. But at least I have the most awesome people around me to see it through. . The woman on the subway doesn’t. She doesn’t have anyone and I could tell. I don’t want to say it this way but she was…really trying to connect with someone and I shut it down. And now I feel horrible about it. How would I like to have that happen to me?! I wouldn’t at all.

All of this on the heels, mind you, of our fearless leader’s speech to the American Medical Association. Public mental health is becoming more of a crisis than people realize in the Capitol of the country. And what do we do with these people, send them to Melwood? I scoff. It’s just as bad as us Gen-Xers ignoring our elders as if they don’t exist and aren’t part of the world too. It’s fucked up.

If anyone visited this planet and understood how plagued we are with selfishness, they’d encase us in a space-cube force field so we don’t travel space. Space cash. And cynical much? Maybe. But at least I speak my mind.

Anyway, I lied. And I’m sorry. It was a simple situation and with everything going on I actually caved a little and threw the shields up to someone who only needed recognition and human interaction – something I suspect she never gets from anyone. But then again…maybe she said she was glad I was there because I actually spoke back. Maybe I’m the only human contact she’s been able to manage in years.

I’ll never know.

As if it weren’t enough that a girl was killed in the Brookland /
Woodridge area at Burroughs Elementary School field…and as if it
weren’t enough that the guy who did it was also killed in an
undercover cop shootout in the same area…now we have our local
subway stops joining the list of problems beginning to plague our area.

A man was robbed of his wallet and iPhone DURING RUSH HOUR on the red
line around 630pm one day this week. This happened IN A SUBWAY CAR
between Rhode Island Avenue and Brookland CUA stations. When the guy
got to the Brookland station and asked the attendant for use of her
phone, the attendant declined. She told him to use the f’ing pay
phone, suggesting that he look for change in his pocket.

Don’t get me started. That’s my home station, to and from which I
have already had many problems with the timliness of the G8 bus line.
Now we have robbery ON THE METRO!!!!!!! WTF, DC??

I just thougt that would be a funny title for something, whether it be a show, movie or blogpost. There was really no other reason for writing it.

I’m on my way home now after putting the final repairs into Remingtons upstairs karaoke bar. We will now be able to play video, dvd, satellite and karaoke on all 4 screens and hear it in stereo sound. I know…somewhere…somewhere in heaven above me…my Mama would be proud of me. Ooooohhhh Mama….

Afterwards I hung out with the Disappearing Man and grabbed a bite to eat at Old Ebbit Grill…where the meal I ordered at random turned out a disappointment. But the Pear Upsidedown Cake was pretty good.

I am tasked with locating some old issues of GQ the house seems to have swallowed in the shuffle lately. While I’m doing that I’ll probably watch the latest Family Guy and go to bed way too late for my own good while still showing up for work on time tomorrow. Not that anyone I know knows what “on time” means….

iPod-break (I can feel yer haarrtbeeet rawk…….I can feel yer haarrtbeeet rawk….oo oo oo oo ooooo….I can make ya sooo dayum hawt…..I can make yer haarrtbeeet….yeah…..yeah….yeah….I can make yer haarrtbeeet….yeah…..yeah….yeah.)

Science Club Thursday!!
Remingtons Friday and Saturday!!

This morning I have a song stuck in my head. It’s the opening track to “Songs From An Unmade Bed” called “Here In My Bed”. If you haven’t heard it, it’s a pretty amusing piece about a man’s drab life and how his death will be just that. I played the song 20 times on the way home yesterday so I could learn it. It’s in my vocal range and by the time I was home I had nailed it. While I’m not sure we have it for karaoke at Remingtons, I’m certainly going to make sure we do when I get the chance. Cuz that song kicks ass. I plan on learning the rest of the show too. Did the package on “30″ include a renewed surge of enthusiasm for musical theatre? Gawd….how grown-up-gay. Between that and trips to the Leather Rack, my life simply must be complete. Now where’s my pint of ice cream?

I went to the doctor on Monday because something isn’t right. I got a clean blood test the Friday before, but still I feel something is wrong. When I explained the details I won’t gross you out with here…the doctor became immediately concerned and ordered tests. And not blood. So you know what that means. Drop, scoop to the red line, cap, shake. Nice, huh?

I find out if I have an alien living in my belly later this week. Or maybe it’s an ulcer. I wouldn’t be at all surprised. This year has literally sucked except for turning 30 and a few scattered road trips to get away from it all. But I’m alive and we’re doing well…so I shouldn’t complain too loudly.

And on to work….

As you can see I’ve been a bit out of touch the past few days. So
much for the Gymness series. I’m still going to the gym, mind you.
But I haven’t made time to write about it here. Feh. I will again
soon. Still weigh around 140. But my progress pictures look great.
Feeling good but still feel like I am not getting enough sleep. That
could be due to something on the work front I won’t discuss here. Too
juicy for words I tell ya!!

The house cleaners came last weekend. The place looks cleaner and
more spacious. Love it. I think the place needed it after 4 years of
7 people and 6 pets. (Not all at the same time.) And what did we have
to do but fill it up again? For benefit of the current dog, we now
have a puppy named Titus. He is a chocolate lab, AKC-certified
purebread. He can so far do no wrong. I’m keeping my iPhone on
me…. Zahnn the black lab consumed or destroyed no less than 3
remotes, 2 phones, a can opener and all of the cables to my DJ setup.

830am and I have already brought over 90k in the door. Good start to
a trend, or downward spiral….? If that and the way I’ve been making
friends out of gym mates lately is any indication of my karma then I
am getting mine. Fucking finally.

Just my opinion. Probably fueled by yesterday’s experiences near
McPherson…and the fact that my subway platform smells like piss.
People tell me “oh shut up, live in New York!”. No, I really don’t
think the two are comparable.

At McDonalds yesterday I waited got the crosseyed (literally) cashier
to take my order…and couldn’t tell if he was looking at me or not.
Not his fault. So I step up, order, and a horrible smelling, assumed
homeless black man with a bad fro and dirty clothes steps up. He
places…no, slaps two dollars on the counter and almost screams,
“cunniget two hambuggahs?”. According to my partner, who stood ten
feet away, the derilect looked over at him in a grin as if to indicate
ha-ha-I-got-one-over-on-the-skinny-white-faggoty-ass-muthafuckah.

Without missing a beat, having lived in DC for as long as I have, I
step to the next cashier and angrily repeat my order. The crosseyed
guy didn’t know what to do. Can’t blame him. Just a kid. The girl
behind my new register, looking embarassed and a bit sorrowful/pissed,
took my order in perfect procedure. I thanked her. In that short
exchange we both communicated more with each other than most people do
in such a short transaction.

After leaving, my partner said he exceecised restraint. We then
started talking about how to fight if provoked. Though the last thing
I wanted to do was get in a bum fight, I wanted that asshole OUT of my
city, irrational?

As I write this, Mad World from Donnie Darko is on the iPod. This is
my theme song lately. On my way back to the car yesterday, I found a
bag of crack rock on the ground. I angrily took it to a trash can.
There were children near.

I met with Kas yesterday to start my first workout. It was after an exceptionally productive day, during which I also made a few personal decisions about my future after dragging Smiffy out to CitySports with me to buy shoes and a gym bag. (I forgot my shoes on day 1. For shame!) Several pieces of work completed yesterday, driving my August numbers up to 92%. Yay being done ahead of time, right? (July is still in the sixties, though).

I got to the gym and found that Body-I-Want guy also opted in for the afternoon. That was a nice surprise. But down to business. Yesterday, Kas walked me through several arm and chest excercies. He showed me form, we threw weighting around. We joked, we laughed. I had a great time. And I feel like I’ve had my ass handed to me. And it feels great.

We talked about how my frame will probably have a problem putting on much mass, but that I should be able to do at least something. He and I have the same frame and he’s omg-daddy-hawt (besides just that kind of guy to begin with, as a person)…so I just look forward to getting to half of where he is. The motivation is there. That’s the important thing. The majority of my attempts to work out before have been based in lack of motivation.

I got home and wolfed down half a pizza. Then I emptied out the bathroom of everything that was in it…threw a lot of shit out, and put things back in. This method will be used on every room in the house until our house looks like one of those model homes where you wonder if the fruit is real and the microwave actually works. After that I rewareded myself with finishing Act 4 of Hellgate:London.

Later on, an English muffin with lots of sharp cheddar melted on it. Then I took TylenolPM and went to bed. I didn’t sleep at all. Around 230am when I couldn’t take it anymore, I went downstairs, busted open the Tostitos, nuked a cheese-hot-dog and popped open a beer to watch the new episode of Stargate:Atlantis. Apparently TylenolPM no longer works on me. Semi-good thing though. Boo left my alarm clock off on his way out, so I didn’t wake up on time. I barely made it into work in a “timely” manner.

This morning I am eating egg-whites and another english muffin. Then I’ll drink a protein shake. Kas made a lot of suggestions – meat, meat, meat, cheese, cottage cheese, meat, cheese, meat. Nothing in a box. For meat, though, mainly chicken, tuna and salmon. Salads are ok during lunch if they have a lot of meat on em. And go hog wild at dinner. Oh and nuts. Can’t forget nuts. Lots of nuts. Right, Trees? (Where’s a Dairy Queen when I need one…?)

And today…round 2.

As I approach the new week, things feel calm…and not deceptively
so. I made it out of the house on time. Didn’t go to the gym early
because I’ll be going after work. Realized on the way out I have some
getting-used-to, to achieve. Forgot shoes. Could probably do with a
more proper bag, too…a gym bag. So there’s my lunch break.

Today, the temperature is perfect and the bus was free. The toll is
broken. Were it not already 730 I might just ride it all the way in
to the office.

I feel good things coming.